Losing someone… Losing oneself…
No matter how much we try to prepare ourselves pessimistically for the worst possible scenario, Life has the uncanny ability to surprise us even more. As I enter the phase of life when it is obvious that the elder generation will leave us one by one, it is still difficult to face the reality of life when it actually occurs.
A person I really felt very close to over the last decade or so, since I came to know him. has been diagnosed with Alzheimer Disease. And I felt numb when the doctors uttered those word, even when I was preparing myself for this news for some time now. It did nothing to the patient, who is already slipping away from us. I felt cold and fuzzy. I am doing everything that in a normal routine I am supposed to do but somewhere deep inside there is an uncomfortable silence. Coming into terms with this will take some time.
Lost my father to cancer when I wasn’t old enough to understand the true implications of it… it was the Killer disease of those days. A long period of lull that followed, allowed me understand the things better, so I was able to become the companion of my mother from the time she was diagnosed with diabetes. I was able to be with her during the period this silent killer disease slowly started impacting different organs of her body and finally the day she left us… our son Kabir was only a couple of months old at that time. Then lost my one brother-in-law to cancer and another one to Heart failure within a short period of time.
We all have our very own ways of dealing with the emotional up and downs, mine is just to keep on going through the motions of life with even more enthusiasm outwardly, and let soul get deep inside its shell and introspect. It doesn’t help, nothing really helps. We are nothing but just the puppet acting/ dancing around on this stage that we call the world, feeling all important and irreplaceable one day and then suddenly swept off our feet, moving out of the frame altogether. There is someone, something, somewhere, controlling our strings. It is captured so beautifully in a dialogue of 1970’s Hindi movie Anand
“Arrey oh baabu mushoy hum to rangmanch ki kathputliyan hain jiski dor us upar wale ke haathon main hai kab, kaun kahan uthega ye koi nahin janta”
Wondering in which direction my strings are being pulled right now…