It was June last year when all of us went on a trip to Haridwar & Neelkanth together… all smiling & happy. Just remember the golden words that ‘Enjoy the small things, tiny moments of happiness in your life, because you never know when something will hit you bad…’
Going through a dreadful phase, yet again in life as the storm that has hit us hard is in the form of a cancer of food pipe that my Brother-in-Law has been diagnosed with last month, it is in the advance stage and has already started affecting the other parts of the body as well. And within a month he has become just a shade of what he was, slipping so fast that every day we are losing hope…
L D Upreti by relation he is my Brother-in-law but in the real sense of closeness he is much more than that, he is true a Big Brother of our family, the one who has always been there with us, someone we have always found to be standing beside us through thick & thin, protecting us, supporting us. An always smiling, jovial and happy-go-lucky person who always saw the bright side of life. Lived his life to the fullest, worked hard to give a good life to his family, and was generous towards one and all. He would be there at our place whenever we would need him, he would insist us to visit him every weekend and then he’d himself cook food for us, snacks, lunch, dinner, anything that we would want to have.
Right now he is struggling with cancer and it is killing me to be among the few (apart from his son) who have been told by the doctors that he is going to lose this battle soon. Maybe he knows it too, maybe my sister also understand the situation, but we do not talk about it. We don’t want to give up until it is really over… God has mysterious ways… why does He takes away some people so soon. Its hurt really bad to know that we are going to lose this battle soon, and the more we will try to stretch it the more painful it is going to be for him…
Losing people is not new to me, God has made sure that I experience that from an early edge. I have actually lost most of the people from the Elder generation both from mother and fathers side. Never saw my grand parents from father side and grandfather from mother side passed away when I was young, lost my both my uncles in quick succession and then my father even before I reached my teens, lost a very close dear friend some years back and then my mom. And now as I am about to cross into the 40’s and the remaining people from Elder generation have crossed 60’s, its gonna get worse with every passing year.
Lost my father to cancer when I was too y0ung to even understand what it is. 28 years have gone since then, but I still remember the moment I saw the last bubbles in the oxygen system my father was attached to. I couldn’t even cry, didnt knew what to do, too many things were happening around me. I clearly remember the first time I really cried within myself was when I resumed the school 2 weeks after Father’s death and someone asked me why I was on leave. Then it hit me and I cried silently, sitting alone in the window seat at the back of the school bus. That time it was throat cancer, father, a chain smoker for many many years refused to get rid of the habit or get operated, he could only survive one session of chemotherapy. It was painful then but not as much as it is right now, maybe because I was too young to understand the impact of that loss.
My mother, who was the closet to me than any other person in this world, left me in 2006, she passed away silently in her sleep as I was sleeping in the room next to her with my 3 month old son Kabir. Her body was still a bit worm in the morning when we tried to wake her up for the morning tea. And I cried and cried and cried for days, months and years. My mother always cursed the rains for making it difficult to keep the house clean, she always scolded me for getting wet in the rain as it would trigger my asthma. When it rains, sometime, I just go out walk in the rain and cry, the raindrops mixes up and hides the tears rolling down on my cheeks – maybe it is to tease my mother, wherever she is, to come and scold me once again.
This time it is more painful as I know what is going to happen, the process of seeing someone go is much more painful than the actual event. I guess it is worse than accident to see someone die slowly, bit by bit, every day… something within me is also dying slowly as I watch his health deteriorate. I am feeling the slaps of various emotions.
Its killing because we are unable to do anything about it, at times in the recent past I have personally got so annoyed at everybody around me, actually inside me its the guilt or the feeling of powerlessness that we can do nothing to make a difference in this case. Wish we could do something to help ease his sufferings, wish I could take away his pain . Its killing to know that we are all worthless & powerless in his fight with his cancer, it makes us so uncomfortable that I find it hard to look into his sinking eyes.
Want to cry but unable to do even that…
- F-You, 5-FU (or Chemo Sucks) (walkingpapers.wordpress.com)
- Cancer is a Thief (healingmaya.com)
- We have been fighting complex and advanced cancer for decades with (cancercenter.com)
- I Cried Silently When You Passed Away (petermatthews61.wordpress.com)
- Writing From the Gut (ginalawlessbooks.wordpress.com)
- I Have No Thoughts Now… I’m In Darkness (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)